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"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."
Mark Twain

Actual excerpt from a classified section of a city newspaper.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

An actual excerpt from a classified section of a city newspaper.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where did we get him?"  His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."  Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

Mary was four and was just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn.
As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out!"

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What Men Know About Women".

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

A Real State Law
Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

How does a man show that he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

See how your logic is in figuring this out:
Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."

How do you tell the difference between a female cat and a male cat?
You ask it a question and if HE answers, it's a male but, if SHE answers, it's a female.

What do you call a fish without an eye?
A fsh!!!!

Worst Pickup Line
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

See how your logic is in figuring this out.
A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

A sign outside a barber's shop said:
COME IN TOMORROW FOR A FREE HAIRCUT.
Fred saw it, and went back the next day and asked for his free haircut. "Can't you read?" said the barber. "It says come back-tomorrow!"

Actually said in court, taken down word for word by a court reporter.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

Actually said in court, taken down word for word by a court reporter.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Actually said in court, taken down word for word by a court reporter.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

A Real State Law
California:
Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

A Real State Law
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for bicycling over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

A Real State Law
Alabama:
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A History professor was explaining how society's ideal of beauty changes with time.
"Take Miss America in 1921," he noted. "She stood 5'1" tall, weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's beauty contest?"
One student piped up, "Not very well! She'd be way too old!"

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal

Another Word Women Use:
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere."

Another Word Women Use:
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Mexican Economics
Enjoy life while you can still enjoy it, once its gone.....it's gone.

Another Word Women Use:
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Another Word Women Use:
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

Another Word Women Use:
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

WORD WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

When We Eat Out... And the bill arrives, Mike, Sam, Bill and Jake will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

What's the difference between a contractor and a puppy?
The puppy will stop whining after about six weeks.

Tourists, have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
David Letterman

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass who'll pay for it all.

When I grow up I'm going to marry the boy next door. Why ?
I'm not allowed to cross the road !

If you speak three languages, you're trilingual. If you speak two languages, you're bilingual. If you speak one language, you're American.

Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"
Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Taxation, like a lot of other things, is based on supply and demand. The Government demands, and we supply!

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

The Three Laws of Secure Computing
- Don't buy a computer.
- If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
- If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating

My 3 year old son put his shoes on by himself. I noticed that they were on backwards.
I said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at me with a raised brow and said " Don't kid me Mom, I KNOW they're my feet!"

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailman could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife you can go to the office and do some work."

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
"I do."
"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"
"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

Amusing Irrelevant Facts
1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit
cards.
2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed inIreland.
4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time areteenagers.
6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of
his territory.
8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he
might be retarded.
9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting
on it.
11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other
weather.
13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.
14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is
the wrong size.
15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.
17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under
frozen foods.
18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.
19. 200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.
21. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of
toast.
22. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.
23. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
24. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.
25. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
26. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently
eaten bananas.
27. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
28. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.
29. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
30. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
31. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
32. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
33. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C.
34. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
35. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
36. % of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
37. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with
his teeth.
38. In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
39. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
coffee.
40. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

A card you will  never see in Hallmark:
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

Poem
There was a young man had the art
Of making a capital tart
With a handful of shit
Some snot and a spit
And he'd flavour the whole with a fart.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."

Stammerer: "I hea..hea... heard tha...that you can hel...hel...help me".
Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten".
Stammerer: "O...one, t...two, th...th...three, ..... eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"
Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."
Stammerer: "H...h...how mu...mu...much?!"

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

A sign outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

"OLD" IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along

A woman broke up with me and sent me some pictures of her and her new boyfriend smooching. Solution??
I sent them to her father.

This is Solid Advice.

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

A sign outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

Men are like government bonds...
they take so long to mature.

"THE PERFECT BREAKFAST"

You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of  Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the milk carton

10 REASONS THE TERRORISTS WEREN'T LEBANESE

10. 6:45 is too early for most Lebanese to get up
9. Lebanese are always late, they would've missed all 4 flights
8. Hot girls on the planes would have distracted them
7. Lebanese only uses cellular phones to make missed calls and not to
communicate with each other
6. Free alcohol on the plane, get it?
5. The suspected car found outside of Boston Airport would be a BMW not a
Ford.
4. They wouldn't have a meeting in Afghanistan "there are no girls there",
perhaps in Sweden
3. Talking behind each other's back would start a big fight on the plane.
2. 18 Lebanese can't even organize a simple lunch to get together! You think
they can organize such an attack?
1. They would've been too busy fixing their hair.

True Stories

In September, Tokyo's Mainichi Daily News reported that a 25-year-old bulimic woman from Toyoda, Japan (near Nagoya), was arrested for massive violations of the country's Waste Disposal Act after being identified as the person who has, for over a year, been illegally dumping about 60 pounds a week of vomit that she had collected in plastic bags. She said, according to police, "I didn't want to throw away the vomit near my home, so I took it to faraway places." [Mainichi Daily News, 9-15-01] 

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

"When I was young," the woman said, "I used to worry about where my taxes were going. Now, I worry about where they're coming from."

Lottery Winner
A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"
Her husband yells back, "But should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
The wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out!"

"My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money."
Wendy Liebman

The Panhandler
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, "Beggars can't be cruisers."

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Windows 95:
32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to  an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition.

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, 
mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and 
said, "Does this look natural?"

"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes, I am."
"How much do you charge?"
"A thousand dollars for four questions."
"Isn't that pretty steep?"
"Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?"

Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I finally found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" 
"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving." 

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was trying to make up her mind!

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said ''From 2-4 years".

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
art work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing
a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a
minute."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 

How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
No one knows… they have never tried to do it.

Q. What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
A. Stays awake night wondering if there is a dog.

A man ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?"
The driver replied, "No, jump in!"

A Child's Prayer overheard..."Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name....".

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked
whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over
again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a Pitbull?
A dog that bites off your leg and then runs for help.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

What's the difference between genius and stupidity?
Genius has its limits.

What's the difference between a contractor and a puppy?
The puppy will stop whining after about six weeks.

Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet soda!

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes, I am."
"How much do you charge?"
"A thousand dollars for four questions."
"Isn't that pretty steep?"
"Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?"

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing,
please not to read notice.