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ONE LINER (archive)

It was tragic. They arrested an Amish man and put him in jail. 
     Think about it. It's terrible. It's worse than me and you. Take him
     down there. Give him that one phone call. Who the hell is he going to
     call? None of his friends have telephones.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends ?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

"Money is like an arm or a leg - use it or lose it."

can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

You Know You're Getting Older When...
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died ."

Always give 100% at work....
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday 
5% Friday

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. 

Every morning is the dawn of a new error... 

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

COMPUTER VIRUSES (archive)

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. 
     It'll be back.

AT&T virus..............................Every 3 minutes it tells you what
     great service you are getting.

Disney virus...........................Everything in the computer goes
     Goofy

Ellen Degeneres virus............Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Titanic virus...........................Makes your whole computer go down.

Mike Tyson virus....................Quits after one byte.

Ronald Reagan virus.............Saves your data, but forgets where it is
      stored.

Monica Lewinsky virus..........Sucks all the memory out of your
      computer.

PICK UP LINES (archive)

Do you have a quarter? 
      (wait for answer)
      Because my mom told me to call her when I met god !

Guy to girl :
     Are your parents terrorists?
     'Cause you're the bomb.

Baby, are those moon pants you're wearing? 
      'Cause your out of this world !

You must be a horrible person because God took all your beauty and
      used it for the outside.

Q : Did it hurt?
     A : Excuse me?
     Q :When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?

HOW TO BE ANNOYING (archive)

Ask people what sex they are.

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Send an e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
     doing.
     For Example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom".

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
     passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom (Don't disguise your voice)

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
     with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

What's the difference between a plastic bag
    and Michael Jackson?
    One is white, thin and is dangerous to children. 
    The other one holds groceries!

What's Red and Orange and knock's you over?
    Tackle me ELMO! 

Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
    Because Donald Ducked.

How do you get a monkey out of a tree?
     You shoot him!

I went to the bank last week and said to the cashier, 
      'can you check my balance please?'
      She pushed me over!

What is the difference between a pregnant woman
     and a light bulb?
     You can unscrew a light bulb!

What do you call a scared cow?
     A coward.

Why are E.T's eyes so big?
     Because he saw the phone bill.

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
     You can't tuna fish!