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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

Jon was talking to Amanpreet.
"So, Preet, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," Preet shook his head. "Whenever I mention sex, they object."

The five stages of sex:
1st is Smurf sex. This is where you do it until you're both blue in the face.
2nd is kitchen sex. This is the honeymoon phase where you do it in every room of the house, including the kitchen.
3rd is bedroom sex. This is after you've been married for a while, maybe have a couple of kids, so you do it in the bedroom.
4th is hallway sex. This is where you pass one another in the hallway and say, "Fuck you".
The final stage is courtroom sex. This is where you go to court and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

The Panhandler
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess 
liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. 
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, 
"Beggars can't be cruisers."

How to tell where a driver is from...
-One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
-One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
-One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
-One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California* *with gun in lap: L.A.
-Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy 
-One hand greeting, one ear on cell phone, one finger on horn, one finger up in air, foot on gas, eyes on pedestrians, conversation with
neighbors...: Welcome to Lebanon (how the hell is the car being steered...ok don't answer!!.. )

MARRIAGE
Marriage is a gamble. You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. 
She shows a heart. Her father has a club. His father has a spade. 
There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen. Then they end up with a full house.

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can hink of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

Why are German footballers popular with women?
Because they can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come second

SOME OF THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED AMONG US !!!
Ouch, that smarts!!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise, when a dye pack 
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

SOME OF THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED AMONG US !!!
Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps! 
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK: 
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, 
I can't help but wonder:............. 
What was I thinking?" 
"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. 
Too bad no one likes your wife." 
"How could two people as beautiful you............ 
have such an ugly baby?" 
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, 
someone to love......... 
After having met you, I've changed my mind." 

SOME OF THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED AMONG US !!!:
With a little help from our friends! 
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a 
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear 
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

As they left the auditorium after a two-hour lecture on ninetheeth-century English poets, the wife exclaimed, "Didn't it make your mind soar?"
"Yes," her husband agreed grimly, "and my backside, too!"

What do you call a Redneck with four sheep?
A pimp

How many shrinks does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?
Only one but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of  the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." 
- England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwomen
Snowballs!

Deep Questions of life:
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? 
- How can there be self-help groups? 
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? 
- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? 
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? 
- Is there another word for synonym?

Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep.

What is the definition of Agony?
A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Future historians will be able to study at:
the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library,
the Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library,
the Richard M. Nixon Presidential Library,
the Gerald Ford Presidential Library,
the James Earl Carter Presidential Library,
the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library,
...and the Bill Clinton Adult Book Store!

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

People in New York are always in a hurry. When you call 911, the operator says "This better be good."

One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Do you know why the smurfs go laughing when they walk thru the forest?
Because the grass tickles their balls.

SOME OF THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED AMONG US !!!
Will the real dummy please stand up?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Some redneck groaners... 
- Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left 
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? 

She can't touch it till she's fourteen. 

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a 
redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck 
gets emotionally involved. 

I watched a fishing show today on TV. Have you ever watched
fishing for about 15 minutes and said, "Boy, I need a life"?

A man goes into a butcher's shop and says, "Have you gota sheep's head?"
The butcher replies, "No, it's just the way I part my hair."

*How is it possible to have a civil war?
      *If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
      *If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
      *If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Q & A (archive)

  Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
      A: Artificial intelligence.

  Q: What makes men chase after women they have no intention 
          of marrying?
      A: The same urge that makes a dog chase after cars they have 
            no intention of driving.

Q: Why do men name their "privates"?
     A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis 
         with the one who makes all their decisions.

Q: What is a man's idea of housework?
     A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
     A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
     A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
     A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"