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How do you say 'virgin' in Dutch? 
Goodentight. 

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry!!!!!!!
"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

What do you call a lawyer stuck on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call a hundred lawyers stuck on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call all the lawyers in the world stuck on the moon?
PROBLEM SOLVED

Marriage is a gamble. You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. 
She shows a heart. Her father has a club. His father has a spade. 
There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen. Then they end up with a full house.

Don't Look Down
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.
As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. 
Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?"
The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

The Talking Frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." 
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up 
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. 
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." 
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. 
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" 
The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." 

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends. 

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, 
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. 

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting.
The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

I filled out a rental application that asked, "Do you own any liquid filled furniture?" Couldn't they just have said "waterbed"? How many other forms of liquid filled furniture are there? "Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?"

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an
oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No shit."

I dropped a quarter in San Francisco.I had to kick it all the way to San Jose before I felt safe enough to bend over and pick it up!

One day a chinese man was stopped at a road block by the police:
The policeman: What's your name.
The chinese man sais:"Min Shan Shou"
The policeman replied:" Mish Min Shan Shee....."

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. 
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your brother from Maryland came in and named them." 
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise." 
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope doesn't use his. 
What is it?
A last name