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Two guys were walking on the street when one of them says:
"I've realized that my wife is an angel."
"Mine isn't human, either", said the second.

Actual Employee Evaluations
The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows 
   signs of starting to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* I would not allow this man to breed.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a 
   definitely won't be.

Do you know how many lawyer jokes there really are in the world?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? 
Dad: "That happens in most countries, son." 

Most Wanted

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 Most Wanted men.
One of the kids pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So, Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"
Defendant: "No, I did not."
Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"
Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the 
penalty for murder."

One of the first things you should look for in a problem is 
its positive side

Pick up lines
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Baby, I'm like milk. I'll do your body good.

Democrats eat the fish that they catch. 
Republicans hang them on the wall.

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do? 
Teacher: Of course not! 
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework! 

She leaves him on the couch when the phone rings and is back in a few seconds. 
"Who was it?" he asked. 
"My husband," she replied. 
"I better get going," he said "Where is he?" 
"Relax, he'll be late... he's playing poker with you."

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
They're all married.

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love."
[Beep]
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! 
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to take. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and the I'd yell,"You're a jackass!"
It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.
This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.

I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W.34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each
other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.

Idiots and retail
I was signing the receipt of my credit card purchase, when the clerk noticed that I have never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Since the wedding night, Bill Gates' wife finally knows, why he called his company 'Microsoft'.

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"