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FAMOUS SPORTS QUOTES !!!
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

A sign outside a barber's shop said: 
COME IN TOMORROW FOR A FREE HAIRCUT.

Abed at School...
M3almeh: Abed, 3iddilleh khams shaghlet feehon h7aleeb.
Abed: Labneh, Jibneh, Bouza,.................w Bzezik!

The first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is." Then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

A cop pulls over a guy. 
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?" 
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?" 

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

The Earring
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe," he yells out, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an earring," says Joe sheepishly.
"No, really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. 
He asks, "What are you doing?" 
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." 
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" 
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." 

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by you again?

Yo mama is so fat that her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? 
It's called, Sosumi.

GREAT WISDOM 
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example. 
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. 
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 
15. Don't squat with your spurs on. 
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. 
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Bobby: Five people board a bus, but only three bought tickets. Why?
Mickey: I don't know.
Bobby: Because one was the driver and the other was the conductor, dummy.

-If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear
to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
-Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 48???
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
28 - You don't need to tell her any story to take her to bed...
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Actual Signs From Around the World

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer's suit. Because of big rush we will 
execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were 
executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping 
site that people of different sex, for instance, men 
and women, live together in one tent unless they are 
married with each other for that purpose.

Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."
Father: "What's that?"
Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."