Your mama is so ugly, she
scares blind kids away!
Your mamma is so fat, NASA put
a satellite around her.
Your mama is so fat she got
arrested at the airport for having
50 pounds of crack.
Your
mama is so fat, every time she turns around they throw her
a welcome back party.
Your Mama is so fat, when her
shadow fell on the bed, it broke!
Your mama is so fat, each butt
cheek has a different zip code.
Your mama is so stupid she sits
on the T.V and watches the sofa.
Your mama is so stupid that
when someone said go call 911 she asked,
'what's the number?'
Your mama is so fat, when she
got on a scale it said to be continued.
Your mama's so stupid she
thought a walk-in closet came with legs.
You're so ugly your mom had to be drunk to breastfeed you!
You're so fat, that when you go
to the zoo, the elephants throw
you peanuts.
You're so fat, the last time you've seen 90210 it was on the
scale.
A guy wakes up one morning with
a hangover, so going
downstairs he asks his wife,
"Honey, I know I made
a fool out of myself at the party last
night, so tell me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your
boss."
"Well piss on
him!!!" said the man.
"You did. He fired you." said the wife.
"Well screw
him!!!" said the guy.
"I did ." said his wife. "You're
back to work Monday."
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans
of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog
sir?" "Yes" he replies. "Well where is the dog?"
asks the cashier. "My dog is at home" replies the man. "To
be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store
policy", says the cashier. So with that the man leaves the dog food
and leaves the store.
Next day the man goes back to the same store,
grabs what he needs and goes to the same cashier. He places two cans of
cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the
cashier. "Yes I do", replies the man. "Well where is your
cat sir?" asks the cashier. "My cat is at home" says the
man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I
can sell you cat food" says the cashier. So with that the man leaves
the store empty handed again.
The next day the man returns to the store and
walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in
here." So the cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It
is all soft and warm" she says. "Yes, that is right" says
the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had
a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the
spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners
hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all
our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they
concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any
other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that
contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.
Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket
and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my
guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was
a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I
noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the
waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his
voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I
mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this
string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal
without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"
"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out,
how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering
his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."
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