How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A dead girlfriend.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
One unfortunate day, Bill Clinton and the Pope both died, Clinton was condemned to Hell and Pope was going to be sent to Heaven. But
this all got muddled up and they were sent to the wrong places. So, an angel was sent down to Hell to get the Pope and a devil was sent
up to get Clinton, as they were being led towards their destination, they met in the middle.
"I'm really looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary," the Pope said.
"Ermm, you're 5 minutes too late," replied Clinton.
Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.
Al Gore and Hillary Clinton wanted to play a joke on the president.
So she called Bill Clinton at the oval office. When he answered, Hillary told him that she was pregnant. The president didn't say
anything for five minutes. Then he finally came out of it, and said, "Who is this?"
Many of people have ridden the titanic, same with Clinton, so lets call him the
Clintanic.
Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St.
Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While
waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15
minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some
man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes."
"Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter.
"Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as
a fan."
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty
went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is
Bill Clinton?"
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and
placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also
like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Miss, I'd rather be wantonly seduced by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know that was a choice..."
What do Bill Gates and Bill Clinton have in common?
They're both being investigated for their GUI applications.
Why did Clinton quit playing the sax?
Because now he's playing with his "Whore Monica"
Know how Monica conceals evidence?
She keeps her mouth shut!
Why was Clinton yelling at Monica's dress?
He saw a commercial that said if you have a stain, "Shout it out!"
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
"So now you open your mouth!"
Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
What code phrase did Betty Currie, the President's personal secretary, use to let Clinton know Monica Lewinsky was coming
down for a visit?"
"Your Jew's harpist is here to play 'Hail to the Chief.'"
What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer and a sleazy politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
What do Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr have in common?
They both want Clinton's head.
Who in the FBI lab will analyze the stain?
The guy that picked the shortest straw?
Who's paying for Monica's new lawyers?
Wannabe president, Al Gore.
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