JOKES OF PAST DAYS (page 1)                                              Pages: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11- 12- 13

More than meets the eye...
The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"

Life with men is like a deck of cards......
You need a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them;
a Club to beat them;
and a Spade to bury the bodies.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat like crazy. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yep..... I wanna be a bear.

A bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar: "What'll you have?"
"A scotch, please," the guy replies.
The bartender gives him the drink and says: "That's five dollars."
"What are you talking about?" the man replies. "I don't owe you anything for this."
The fellow sitting next to him at the bar is a lawyer, who decides to get into the discussion. "You know," he tells the bartender: "he's got you there. In the original offer, constituting a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of payment."
The irritated bartender says to the first guy: "Fine. You beat me for a drink. But I don't ever want to see you in here again." The following day, the very same guy comes back into the bar. The bartender says: "What the heck are you doing in here? I told you not to come back!"
The guy replies: "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place before in my life!" The bartender looks confused and says "I'm so sorry then, but this is really weird. You must have a double."
The man immediately replies, "Why thank you very much! Make it a scotch."

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease
dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France, I was just too embarrassed to say so."

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the shopping center and ran to the toy shop and he asked the manager: "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied: "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" the dad asked.
"'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture," replied the shop manager.

Tommy had reached school age. His Mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on. On the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?"
She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What, again?" he asked.

Local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied.
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time..."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

A lebanese man parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office building,
ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lebanese immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lebanese started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too.
His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lebanese finally calm down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lebanese people are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
How can you say such a thing? asked the lebanese. The policeman replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?
It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." Oh My God!" screamed the lebanese. "Where's my Rolex watch?"

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of the men shouted, "That's not what I said!"

See how your logic is in figuring this out:
This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

In a small town in England, there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear. A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!" And poof, she disappeared. Next came a very ugly redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England." Poof! She disappeared!
Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..." Poof! She disappeared.

There were three guys that were about to be executed for a crime that they had committed. So, they bring the first guy out and just as they are about to shoot the guy yells, "Look, its a tornado!" As the guards are running for cover the first guy gets away. Five minutes later, they realize that there is no tornado.
Then they bring out the second guy, and as they are about to shoot him he yells, "Oh no! Earthquake!!" As the guards run for cover the second guy gets away. Three minutes later they realize that there is no earthquake.
Finally, they bring out the third guy and the guards yell, "Ready, Aim,-", but before they could finish, the third guy yells, "Fire!"

The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he cried.
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to her date.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
(MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS)

After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.
The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him to get out.
When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you urinated in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

You Know You're a Mother When...
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
Your kid throws up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
You hate the thought of his wife even more.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

THE HENPECKED HUSBAND
A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong. And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

Two Blondes waiting at the pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die? The first blonde asked the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping".
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.
The second blonde shakes her head.
"What a pity-if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10 - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC.
9 - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
8 - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7 - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6 - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5 - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4 - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3 - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2 - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" - JFK,1963
The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F"
word.................
"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1997

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!!
Well I'm a man but this sight scared me so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned me in a sensitive spot, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!! LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oscar Night at Beirut Arab Summit!
Ladies and Gentlemen...and the nominees of Beirut 2002 are:
BEST ACTOR--LEADING: Saudia =>Abdullah bin Abdelaziz (Wedding Planner)
BEST ACTOR -- SUPPORTING: Palestine => Yaser Arafat (Home Alone)
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: Iraq =>Saddam Hussein (Resident Evil)
BEST ART DIRECTION: Algeria => Abdelaziz Bouteflika (Monsters INC.)
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Qatar =>Hamad Al Thani (Domestic Disturbance)
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Sudan =>Omar el Bashir (Mohammed Ali)
BEST DIRECTING: Arab League =>Amer Mousa (A beautiful Mind)
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Yemen => Ali Abdullah Saleh (Planet of the Apes)
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Bahrain=> Hamad Bin Isa Al-Khalifa (Dr. Dolittle 2)
BEST FILM EDITING: Tunisia =>Zein al Abedeen bin Ali (The Spy Game)
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Jordan =>Abdullah bin Talal (Harry Potter)
BEST MAKEUP: Emirates => Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan (Dead Man Walking)
BEST MUSIC (SCORE): Syria =>Bashar al Assad (Conspiracy Theory)
BEST MUSIC (SONG): Mauritania => Maaouya Ould Sid'Ahmed Taya (Out of Africa)
BEST PICTURE: Morocco => Mohammed the 6th (My best friends Wedding)
BEST SHORT FILM -- ANIMATED: Kuwait =>Jaber el Sabah (America's Sweethearts)
BEST SHORT FILM -- LIVE ACTION: Somalia => Salat Hassan (Black Hawk dawn)
BEST SOUND: Oman =>Qabus bin Said (Lord of the Rings)
BEST SOUND EFFECTS: Libya => Moamer el Qaddafi (E.T.)
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: Lebanon =>Emil Lahud (Moulin Rouge)
BEST WRITING (ORIGINAL): Egypt =>Husni Mubarak (the mummy)
BEST WRITING (ADAPTED): Egypt =>Husni Mubarak (the mummy returns!)

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great! (Part 1 of 2)
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention", however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary. (Part 1 of 2)
**Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
**Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
**Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
**Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.
**Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Good morning! Here's your smile of the day.
A hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi , so he says, "Rabbi,
what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

A single friend of mine probably won't make a great mother. She was visiting with a friend and her friend's baby when the friend had to use the restroom.
Being left to watch the infant for a bit, the single friend asked, "What'll I do if he cries?"
"Feed him some vegetables," the mother called back.
It turns out that jalapeno isn't the baby's favorite.

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.
"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you?
Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS DEMAND WARS IN EASIER-TO-FIND COUNTRIES
"How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?" They Ask
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
"People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts."
"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
"See?" said Beldoni. Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped."
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High
School in Wisconsin. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."
"Jagged...?" said Levin. "Alliance. It's a computer game."
"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."
"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."
The students' testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America's young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
"Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don't know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio," said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. "I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it."
"I've always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.)," said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. "Oh shit, is my microphone on?"
The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students
were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it
was in.

Sales Crap
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

Men's Rules for the Fairer Sex:
Part 2 of 3
10. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently.
11. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
12. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Check your oil! Please.
16. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
17. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  Men's Rules for the Fairer Sex:
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are special days, but not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and golf shots.
5. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. It will never make an Olympic event (although we could be wrong on that, the way they instituted women's hockey & wrestling)
7. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which part of the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which part of the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Ain't this the truth
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada badge and dull grey suit.
There's a calculator in his pocket.
He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada employee. "What do you have to lose?
You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides
that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."
POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter what, wherever I go beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF*** He is turned into a tampon!
The moral of the story?
Remember if Revenue Canada offers you anything ... there's going to be a string attached!

Heaven and Hell
Heaven is when you have:
An American salary
A British home
Chinese food
A German car
A Lebanese wife.
Hell is when you have:
An American car
A British wife
Chinese home
A German food
A Lebanese salary

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Well...Why don't you celebrate April first?"

Oh Baby!
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

Typical Lebanese
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
A Lebanese guy goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Lebanese guy of course is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, he finds a dozen Lebs waiting for a haircut.

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
 
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
 
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of that motherf#cker!"

Do you like me ?
Well, as boys go your OK, and the further you go the better !
My brother fell in love with his wife the second time he met her.
He didn't know how rich she was the first time !
Could you be happy with a boy like me ?
Maybe, If you weren't around too often !
She's such a nice bird.
She must be if she goes out with a worm like you !
The computer dating agency picked me out as an ideal boyfriend ?
But who wants to go out with a computer !
I've come to ask for your daughters hand in marriage.
Well you'll have to take the rest of her too or the deals off !
Did he really marry her because of her grandfathers fortune ?
He denies it. He says he would have married her no matter who had left her a fortune !
I got a lovely kitten for my girlfriend.
I wish I could make a trade like that !
What do cannibals do at a wedding ?
Toast the bride and groom !
Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.
Of course. What's your phone number ?
Boss: Why do you want time off next week ?
Employee: To get married
Boss: What stupid woman would marry you ?
Employee: Your daughter !

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

The government announced today that it is replacing the cedar in the country's flag with a ... CONDOM:
A condom stands inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security. .. . . . . while it's actually screwing you!
It clearly reflects the new political strategies of the government.

Q: What is the new 75.9 sex position?
A: It is the 69 position + 10% VAT!

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, daddy, you get the toy."

V.A.T New Law
Warning
The ministry of Finance will be now charging 10% tax on all love affairs. Each couple will be fined a kiss for his Excellency every time they have sexual intercourse.

Genie's Lamp
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So... what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map
again."

HOW GUYS SELECT THE GIRL THEY WANT TO MARRY:
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she
loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts. Men are Men.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.

PICK UP LINES!
(1) I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
(2) Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee
when I fell for you.
(3) I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you
out.
(4) Your tag says Made in USA, but I could have sworn you were
made in Heaven.
(5) Hey lady, those are some nice clothes, can I talk you out
of them?
(6) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or
fertilized?
(7) Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby your da bomb!
(8) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
(9) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
(10) Want to play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay
back while You blow the hell out of me.
(11) If you were a burger at McDonald's, I'd call you
McBeautiful.
(12) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk
past you again?

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.
He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE."
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery.
On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness.
The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

Please describe him
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severely bleeding.
The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"
The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

SINFUL SISTERS
Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

Happy New Year!
It was the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber.
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!"
So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.
I'll chew only on long celery sticks.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

How to please women
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

SMOKING CONDOMS
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80
years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

If Companies Ran Christmas
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for
their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36
hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it
anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced
steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the
first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would
interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most
everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier,
and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree
remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier
than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization'
of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??

If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang
the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would
know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted
phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments
would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an
episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national
security.

If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your
attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the
day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an
ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device
attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an
authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would
weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling
charges.

If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster
than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all
identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let
you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or
what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they
would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Computer Version
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.

The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.

Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."

The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."

With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.

Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,

Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.

You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowl full of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"

Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" into the machine:

"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."

Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug,
"And to all, a good night!"

Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas
Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.
Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?
Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes.
Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.
Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients.
Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.
Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything.
Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.
Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.
Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.
Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear then what words can't say.

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their sexual relationship...
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"

A woman was playing golf one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to. The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a Christian now? The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," the voice said. The light went out.
The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together ........bowed its head and spoke: Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the
breakfast table. The husband doesn't like the
way the food has been prepared. He gets up
in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed,
either!" and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long
to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what"?
"Getting a second opinion," she says.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

A Lebanese was sitting with a Syrian and a Philipino in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of whisky, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were sentenced jail term with each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their lashes punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my 4th wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each one of you, one wish before your whipping." So the Philipino guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Syrian guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 12 lashes before the whip went through again. Before the Lebanese fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "just because of Saudi relations with Rafik Hariri you can have 2 wishes instead of one" "Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Lebanese replied. "My first wish is: "I would like to have 40 lashes instead of 20." "If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Syrian to my back", the Lebanese answered.

It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."
The son, not understanding, asks his father:
"What are the Twin Towers?"
The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001,when the Arabs destroyed them."
The son looks up to his father, and asks,
"And what are the Arabs?"

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
MaryLou was the name of one of the horses
I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have
known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame
on TV when she walked up and hit him in the
head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell
was that for?"
She replied "Your horse called."

Check out these amazing figures & facts...
Taking into consideration the tiny dimension of Lebanon;
1. 17 Religious communities
2. 40 Daily newspapers
3. 42 Universities
4. Over a 100 Banks
5. 70% of the students are in private schools
6. There's 1 doctor/10 people. (In Europe & the US, there's 1 doctor/100 people)
7. The name "Lebanon" appears 75 times in the old testament!
8. The name "Cedar" appears 75 times in the old testament!
9. Beirut was destroyed and rebuilt 7 times.
(This is why it's compared to the phoenix)
10. There are 3,500,000 Lebanese in Lebanon
11. There are 5,630,000 Lebanese outside Lebanon
12. The country was occupied by:
(Assyrians-Babylonians-Byzantines-Persians-Pharaons-Persians-Alexander the great-Roman Empire-Crusaders-Ottoman empire-Britain-France-Israel)
13. Byblos is the oldest city in the world.
14. Lebanon's name has been around for over 4000 years.
(It's the oldest name in the world)
15. Lebanon is the only country in Asia/Africa that doesn't have a desert.
16. There are 15 rivers in Lebanon. All of them, generating from its mountains.
17. The 1st. Alphabet was created by Cadmus in Byblos.
18. Lebanon is the country with the most published books about it.
19. Jesus Christ made his 1st. miracle in Lebanon
20. The Phoenicians created the 1st. boat ever.
21. Phoenicians reached the Americas long before C.Columbus.
22. The 1st. law school in the world was built in Lebanon.

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.
Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune. But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and  cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day
and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his
ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me!
My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"
Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you
can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never
been in a French Whorehouse!"
Then the fun began...

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant

You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value added".
How about paying us based on the success of the project?
This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports. 
I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:
Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day
Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.
Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."
Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
Student: "Yes, I drive. "
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."
Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"
"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
"No."
"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"

Giving very odd excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

A Priest and a Nun...
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay,I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think theLord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
They paused then started to laugh.

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"

Oh Baby!

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What! I'm not going to do that!"

"THE RIGHT DAY FOR SEX"
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have Sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".....
An example of those days are:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sign of relief. "My husband just found another one."

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Hotel Taliban
Dear Sir/Madam ,
You have been selected as the lucky winner for FREE 3 Days and 2 Nights stay at Hotel Camp, Taliban, Afghanistan.
Free Lively Entertainment :-
1. Fire Works and Air Show by U.S. Air Force .
2. Get Physical - Exciting Games - Hide and Seek, Smoke me Out - hosted by Osama Bin Laden .
3. Incredible free gifts: one AK47 and 1kg RDX .
4. Travel on a hijacked plane guaranteed .
5. Of course games with knifes ON BOARD THE PLANE are allowed .
6. If lucky , you may see how great fun it is being a suicide squad
when we bring down some big tower .
Once in a Life Time opportunity - once you come here.. we guarantee you will never leave...
For Confirmation and Reservation of front seats contact Pakistan...since SIMI is banned , local reservation inconvenience is regretted .
Wishing you an unsafe journey and an fatal stay..
Regards,
TALIBAN

Beer Study
Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption. 
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period. 
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned ....

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.........

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors should have issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: (Part I)
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

Sales Crap
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his little voice. "The big sissy."

Kitchens
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen –just vending machines.

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just
lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."

A mother and her young son were flying British Airways from London to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"The boy said that she had. With a clever grin, the flight attendant said,"Tell your mother it's because British Airways always pulls out on time.

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''
''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. 
"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you get?" 
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKES
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weedkiller
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney Stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: Whatever
2000: Depends

The Loving Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband
will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN. Part II 
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
18. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
19. Your friends love you, anyway. 

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN. Part I
1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin

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