A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone
who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in
the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot
of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved
that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the
opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy
starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me
and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night
and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his
parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He
called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad
answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose
your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he
noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis,
what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing
Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She
answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed
Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his
son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered,
"Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your
partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner
if you have a good hand!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math
problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot
one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly
away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I
like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone,
the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one
is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny's kinder garden class was on a
field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures,
tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the
youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The
detectives want him very badly." So Little Johnny asked,
"Why the fuck didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother
and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast
tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't
forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,
those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and
she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no
more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a
few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm
down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is
blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm
coming!"
Little Johnny is playing in the street one day
when this stranger pulls up in his car. The stranger says "Psssssst!
Hey kid!"
"Yeah?" replies Johnny. And the stranger says, "Kid,
I'll give a piece of candy to come in my car." Little Johnny
replies, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your
mouth!"
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to
concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and
relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy
himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the
youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and
calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the
game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took
Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon
returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment
the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was
nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further
interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle,
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep
from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him
how to masturbate."
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in
the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can
fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the
arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a
hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He
then said: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil
servant. He stops working at 4:30... and he's home by 3:45!"
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for
Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I
think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run
across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the
bushes and nobody will see you."
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he
returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious
relief on his young face.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front
door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for
catching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit.
The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the
side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said: "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD" A little more investigative work led the officer to
the boy's accomplice... Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his
feet... full of change.
Little Johnny comes in to school one morning
wearing a brand new watch. Obviously his best friend little Benny
wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story:
"I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a
strange noise from my parents bedroom. I walked in and saw the
bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long
as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it
is."
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens
outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough,
eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of
the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad
offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair.
Benny immediately says "I want a watch.". The dad sighs and
says: "Alright but go and stand in the corner and don't make a
noise."
Little Johnny walked into his classroom one sunny morning, wearing
only one glove. The teacher, a little confused, asked him what it was
all about. Little Johnny explained, "Well ma'am, I was watching
the weather program on the T.V. this morning and the Weatherman said
that it was going to be sunny today, but on the other hand it could
get quite cold."
Little Johnny was in school one day when the
teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little
Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one!" declared Johnny. The teacher was
shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come
in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived,
the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came
around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here
Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one!" stated Little Johnny again. The
teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See?
Did you hear what he said?"
"So? Don't fucking give him one!" said Little Johnny's
mother.
One day, Little Johnny wanders into the local
brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him
(thud, thud, thud). He goes up to the woman at the front and says
"Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please."
"Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly,
"you're too young yet for this."
Johnny reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he
slaps on the desk and beams brightly.
"Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as
the £50 vanishes. Johnny starts to climb the stairs, (thud, thud,
thud) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to
have active herpes!" he cries.
"No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Johnny reaches into
the other pocket and another £50 appears.
"Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told. Johnny climbs
the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud
thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the
front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back.
"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says,
"but why the active herpes?"
"Well," says Johnny, "when I go home, the babysitter
will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the
herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the
Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump
on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go
to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get
the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"
Little Johnny goes
to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn
multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me,
miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what
is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a
mouthful." Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of
a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."
Please remember to
send us your