What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and
their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck
in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the
dog.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get
one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human
being.
Lawyer's creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an
airplane?
Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a
crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve
to
hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What is the definition of a shame (as in
"that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a
cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer
should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a
time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their
chins.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are
walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical
creatures.
It was so cold last winter...
...I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the
lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied,
"and what was your third
question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you
do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes
Viagra?
He gets taller.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
The devil came to a young lawyer and said,
"I'll make you a partner in
your firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of
each of your three kids, and you agree to sell every one of your clients
down the river."
"Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"
What do lawyers do when they die?
Lie, still!
What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What's the best way to save a marriage???
Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!!!!
What happens when you cross a pig with a
lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
Why are lawyers burried 10 feet under ground?
Because deep down under, they're really not that
bad.
There are 4 people walking down the street, Santa
Clause, the
tooth fairy, an Elf, & an Honest
Lawyer. They come across a 100
dollar bill. Who gets it?
The elf, the rest are mythological
creatures, who
ever heard of
an honest lawyer?
How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
Cut the rope.
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were
discussing
their work.
The first said, 'I think accountants are the
easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is
numbered.'
The second said, 'I think librarians are the
easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical
order.'
The third said, 'I like to operate on
electricians. You open them
up and everything inside is
color-coded.'
The fourth one said, 'I like to operate on
lawyers. They're
heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are
interchangeable.'
Fifth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers...they
always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the
end...'
What do you call a lawyer stuck on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call a hundred lawyers stuck on the
moon?
A problem.
What do you call all the lawyers in the world stuck on
the
moon?
Problem solved!
A bus load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted
road.
Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a
tree, and
catches
fire.
The owner of the field, a farmer, run
up, surveys the scene,
and buries all the lawyers.
A week later, two policemen are traveling down that same
road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the house
and
ask what happened.
"A busload of lawyers crashed into the tree and the bus
caught fire" replied the farmer.
"but what happened to all the lawyers?!' asked the
policeman.
"I buried them." The farmer said.
"They were all dead?" cried the
officer.
"Some of them said they weren't," replied the
farmer, "but
you know that lawyers are very good at
lying."
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
When his lips are moving.
What do you call a bus full of Lawyer's going over a cliff with
three empty seats?
A total waste of space!
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So
God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your
rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was
very small with a small bed and a small desk.'
Thank you, thank
you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his
room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a
pool and pretty woman.
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room
to the Pope?'
'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers,
well,
your the first one.'
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a
priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest
and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the Truck Driver
saw a lawyer on the side of the
road. He turned the truck on
a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh
no, I have
a priest in the truck I can't run down this
lawyer' and at the
last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the
lawyer.
But,
the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked
in his rear-view mirror but didn't see
anything.
He turned to
the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at
the side of the road'
And the priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my
door'
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he
doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to
search the world for the best heart available, money is no
object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and
says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The
old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores
him to tell him about the donors they came from. 'Well, the
first one belonged to 22 year old
marathon runner, never
smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition
when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of
course. But it costs $100,000!' The old man waving off the last
part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the
second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old
long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and
mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool.
That heart'll set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three
packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never
exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for
$500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so
expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so
it was never used!'
A Harvard and Yale law grad met in a washroom during a law
convention.
The Harvard graduate said, 'Didn't they teach you to wash
your hands at Yale?'
The Yale grad responded, 'They taught us not to piss on our
hands'
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around.
After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the
counter. The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat
and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but
I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.' He purchased the
brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the
street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The
further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down
to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So,
he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all
the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly and when
he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to
pay the $1,000 for the story, right?' 'No,' replied the man, 'I
came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!
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