“One of these
days is none of these days.”
H. G. Bohn
When two's company,
three's the result !
“Of all the things
you wear, your expression is the most important.”
Janet Lane
“The greater the
difficulty the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain
their reputation from storms and tempests.”
Epictetus
“Stubborness does
have its helpful features. You always know what you are going to be
thinking tomorrow.”
Glen Beaman
“One thing you
can't recycle is wasted time.”
Anon.
“The very first
step to building wealth is to spend less than you make.”
Brian Koslow
Since light travels
faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
When two's
company,
three's the result !
"There's
nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of
you."
Woody Hayes
"It's not who you
are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not."
Anon
"The day I
worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a
riding vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne
What's the
difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a
bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What is the
definition of Confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with
another woman & you slap her on the Ass & say, "You're next!"
"The only joy in
the world is to begin."
Cesare Pavese
One should love
animals.
They are so tasty.
"As if you
could kill time without injuring eternity."
Henry David Thoreau
"Tribulation
produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character,
hope."
Romans
If it's true that
we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others
here for?
"My mother always
said don't marry for money, divorce for money."
Wendy Liebman
"Lord, grant that I
may always desire more than I can accomplish."
Michelangelo
Practice
makes perfect.....But
nobody's perfect......so
why practice?
"Fall seven times,
stand up eight."
Japanese Proverb
"The secret of
business is to know something that nobody else knows."
Aristotle Onassis
"Being
defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it
permanent."
Marlene Savant
(written high upon
the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.
Hope is the only
universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity.
Robert Ingersoll
"A good laugh is
sunshine in a house."
William Makepeace Thackeray
"You're never as
good as everyone tells you when you win, and you're never as bad as
they say when you lose."
Lou Holtz
"How we spend our
days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
Annie Dillard
"Some people are so
afraid to die that they never begin to live."
Henry Van Dyke
"I began my
education at a very early age - in fact, right after I left college"
Winston Churchill
"If Fortune calls,
offer him a seat."
Yiddish proverb
"The art of
being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
William James
"That suit is
best that best suits me."
John Clark
"To me, old
age is fifteen years older than I am."
Bernard M. Baruch
"The trouble
with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than
saved by criticism."
Norman Vincent Peale
"Many an
optimist has become rich simply by buying out a pessimist."
Laurence Peter
"If you wait
for inspiration you'll be standing on the corner after the parade is
a mile down the street."
Ben Nicholas
"Enjoy your own
life without comparing it with that of another."
Condorcet
"The only way to
stop smoking is to just stop – no ifs, ands or butts."
Edith Zittler
"People are
more easily led than driven."
David H. Fink
"Even though a
number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for
a living."
Jean Kerr
"The more people
you influence, the more power you have."
Brian Koslow
"There's no
possibility of being witty without a little ill- nature."
Richard B. Sheridan
"If you spend
your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the
sunshine."
Morris West
"Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live."
Unknown
"Give a man a mask
and he'll tell you the truth."
Oscar Wilde
But in this world
nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Benjamin Franklin
Early to bed,
early to rise, makes a man socially and sexually deprived.
I've watched
so many mystery stories on T.V, when I turn off the set I wipe my
finger-prints off the dial.
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy
asked
if I had any questions. I said yes, just one, if you're
in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn
your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he
couldn't answer that. I told him sorry, but I couldn't
work for him then."
Steven Wright
"The greatest
truths are the simplest, and so are the greatest men."
Julius Charles Hare
At
work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
"Our major
obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions."
Edward R. Murrow
"Keep doing
what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting."
Anon.
"Never make
negative comments or spread rumors about anyone. It depreciates
their reputation and yours."
Brian Koslow
"Diplomacy is
the art of letting someone else have your way."
Daniele Vare
"Once in a
while you have to take a break and visit yourself."
Audrey Giorgi
"It is hard
to look up to a leader who keeps his ear to the ground."
James H. Boren
"Life is
something that happens when you can't get to sleep."
Fran Lebowitz
ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk."
Steven King
"I'll moider
da bum."
Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he
thought of William Shakespeare
After
marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
Women say all men
are the same, but they have no problem telling you how different you
are from Mel Gibson.
"I'd love to
go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
Unknown
"In any business, the customer is always right,
except when he calls technical support."
rone@netcom.com, in alt.sysadmin.recovery
Don't marry someone
you can live with....Marry someone you can't live
without.
Anon
Serious people have
few ideas. People with ideas are never serious.
Paul Valery
"Since all the
Heaven's Gates members were discovered wearing Nike sneakers, do you
think Nike might change their slogan to 'Maybe You Should Think
About It'?"
Scott Adams
"Television has
proved that people will look at anything rather than each other."
Ann Landers
"Instead of getting
married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
Lewis Grizzard
In politics, if you
want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a
woman.
Margaret Thatcher
"Health nuts are
going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
Redd Foxx
Be careful about
reading health books. You might die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
"A bank is a
place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need
it." Bob Hope
It's not that I'm
afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
The Clairvoyant
Society has cancelled today's meeting due to unforeseen
circumstances.
The only thing you can
do easily is be wrong,
and that's hardly worth the effort.
The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton
Juster
"If it weren't for
pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
Don't Blame Me - I
voted for Gore... I Think
"Love is the answer -
but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good
questions."
Woody Allen.
"At one point we decided to fight fire with fire...
Well...basically... your house burned even faster."
Ex-Fireman
"I'm living so far
beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
E. E. Cummings
"If fifty million people
say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
Anatole France
"People will feel
safer around you and speak truthfully to you when they feel you are
listening intently to them."
Brian Koslow
"To expect life to be
tailored to our specifications is to invite frustration."
Anon.
"Do not let what you
cannot do interfere with what you can do."
John Wooden
"I'm living so far
beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
E. E. Cummings
"We are all of us richer
than we think we are."
Michel de Montaigne
Hey, what are you going
to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back?
Annonymous
"I am the master of my
fate: / I am the captain of my soul."
W. E. Henley (Invictus)
"My specialty is being
right when other people are wrong."
George Bernard Shaw
"Arrange whatever pieces
come your way."
Virginia Woolf
"The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a
fool."
George Santayana
Young men think old men
are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
George Chapman
"A strong reputation
leads to authority and influence. Authority and influence are the
foundation of power."
Brian Koslow
"You don't change the
course of history by turning the faces of portraits to the wall."
Jawaharlal Nehru
"Tribulation
produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character,
hope."
Romans
"The man who
removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."
Chinese proverb
"There are
times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites
you."
Peter de Vries
"Always wear expensive
shoes. People notice."
Brian Koslow
"Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue
what they are."
Malcolm Forbes
"You only find
complete unanimity in a cemetery."
Abel Aganbegyan
"You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too
far backward."
James Thurber
"Meetings are
indispensable when you don't want to do anything."
John Kenneth Galbraith
"We all find time to do
what we really want to do."
William Feather
"Today, communication
itself is the problem. We have become the world's first
overcommunicated society. Each year we send more and receive less."
Al Reis
"Everybody gets so much
information all day long that they lose their common sense."
Gertrude Stein
"All I can say
about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!"
Bob Newhart
"Nothing in excess."
Solon
"Fear is a fine
spur."
Irish proverb
Why I sacked my
secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't
feeling too hot that morning; anyway I went to breakfast knowing my
wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a
present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any
"Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children
will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a
word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and
despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said,
"Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday."
I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we
went out into the country to a little private place. We had two
martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the
office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go
to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into
the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the
bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our
friends. All were singing Happy Birthday... And there on the couch I
sat, NAKED.
"They say you
should not suffer through the past. You should be able to wear it like
a loose garment, take it off and let it drop."
Eva Jessye
"The important thing is
not to stop questioning."
Albert Einstein
"Nothing is easier than to keep a secret: there needs no more than to shut one's mouth."
Anon.
"To carry care to
bed is to sleep with a pack on your back."
Thomas C. Haliburton
"Practice being
excited."
Bill Foster
"Success comes
before work only in the dictionary."
Anon
The crisis of today is the joke of
tomorrow.
H. G. Wells
"I don't think
about risks much. I just do what I want to do. If you gotta go, you
gotta go."
Lillian Carter
"Ideas pull the
trigger, but instinct loads the gun."
Don Marquis
"The bravest
thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and
act accordingly." Corra Harris
"The trouble
with some women is they get all excited about nothing – and then
marry him."
Cher
"The past,
the present and the future are really one: they are today."
Harriet Beecher Stowe
"If you
can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you
escape."
Anon.
"Whether
it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time
we've got."
Art Buchwald
"Do not
rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all
of life's greatest tests alone."
Agnes McPhail
"When written in
Chinese, the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters. One
represents danger, and the other represents opportunity."
John F. Kennedy
"Experience tells you what to do; confidence allows you to do it."
Stan Smith
"My
formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and go
to bed at night. In between I occupy myself as best I can."
Cary Grant
Doubt whom you will, but
never yourself.
Christian Bovee
The most valuable
of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do."
Thomas
Jefferson
"It is
only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis."
Margaret Bonnano
I am not part of the problem. I am a
Republican.
George W. Bush
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