There was a Lebanese
man, a Jewish man and
Claudia Schiffer
sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the Province.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it
went completely dark Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a
really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Lebanese man were sitting as if
nothing had happened and the Jewish man had his hand against his face as he had been slapped
there.
The Jewish man was thinking: The Lebanese fella must
have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me
instead.
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: The Jewish fella must
have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Lebanese man and got slapped for
it.
And the Lebanese was thinking: This is great. The
next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing
noise and slap the Jewish bastard again.
Fish
How did the homsi try to kill the fish?
He put it under the water.
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP
A HOMSI BUSY ALL DAY??
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the
corner.
Q: How do you make
a homsi laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: Why did the
homsi stare at frozen orange juice can for
2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: How do you keep
a homsi busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of
paper.
Q: Why can't homsis
make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: How did the
homsi try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did 18
homsis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!
Q: What do you call
a homsi in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: A homsi ordered
a pizza and the clerk asked if he
should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Homsi #1: "Have you ever read
Shakespeare?"
Homsi #2: "No, who wrote it?"
What about the
homsi wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Homsi: "Excuse me sir, what
time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
Homsi: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdest
thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
A homsi was driving
down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
One day, the women
of the world got together and decided not to work anymore. No more
laundry, no more cooking, no more cleaning, etc.
So they all went to their respective countries and homes and decided to
meet again the following week to report progress.
A week later, the French lady is telling about her experience: I went home
and told my husband that I will not do housework from now on. I will not
clean, will not cook. The first day I didn't see
anything. The second day I didn't see anything.
The third day, he brought me breakfast in bed and cooked a delicious meal
for lunch.
Then came the British lady's turn: I went home and told my husband that I
will not do housework from now on. I will not clean, I will not cook. The
first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. The
third day, he went to the
supermarket and did all our grocery shopping, came back and
cleaned the whole house.
Em el 'Abed came last with her story:
Ana reht 3al beit. Eltello, ya aboul 3abed, ana ma-ba'a rah eshteghel. Ma-ba'a
otbokh, ma-ba'a kannes, ma-ba'a ekwi. Awwal yom ma sheft shi. Tani yom ma
sheft shi.
Telit yom, sort shouf shwai bi 3aini el shmal.
During the kawa3ed class, the
teacher (T) asked Abed (A):
T: Abed, i3rob "Daraba el-Oustazou et-Tilmiza"
A: Daraba; Fi3l Ijraam; El-Oustazou: Ibn 7haraam, Et-Tilimiza: Ya 7haraam
One day Claudia
Schiffer was visiting Beirut. Accompanied by a guide she saw all the
touristy attractions. The guide then asked her if there is anything else
else she wanted to see, She said that she wanted to meet a
typical Lebanese. The guide decided that the most typical Lebanese is Abu
El Abed (AA), so he took here to AA who was having his nargila at his
favorite coffee shop near Rawcheh.
In the conversation with AA, Claudia remarked that she loves Lebanon, but
the only problem is that there are too many religions and sects in
Lebanon. "There is only one God, why have him represented by so many
sects and religions fighting each other," she remarked.
AA replied, "You are wrong Claudia there is more than one God.
Claudia wondered, "What do you mean there is more than one God?"
AA, "Of course, there is more than one God, do you mean to tell me
that the God who created you is the same one that created Em El Abed.?"
Abed comes to school one morning
all beaten up, his face all blue, and swollen. The teacher asked him:
Teacher: "What happened to you poor Abed?"
Abed: "Our house is very small so I have to sleep with my parents.
Yesterday night, after turning off the lights, my mom said: 'Chou?' and my
dad replied: 'Chou?' so I also replied 'Chou' and my parents beat me up!
The next day, Abed arrived at school also beaten up. Worried, the teacher
asked him what has happened. Abed answers that the same thing happened. So
the teacher thinks for a while and tells him not to answer 'Chou' tonight.
The day after, Abed arrives totally beaten up, even more than before. The
teacher surprised asked him what happened?
Abed: "Well, when my mom said 'Chou?' and my dad replied 'Chou?', I
stayed quiet as you said. After 10 minutes my dad said 'Gité?' my mom
replied 'Naam git' so I said : 'Wein kinto?' !!!
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