New Jokes

David Letterman's Top Ten Bill Gates Pick-Up Lines 10. Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before? 9. Just close your eyes and pretend you're using a mouse. 8. Care to run your fingers through my ridiculous five dollar haircut? 7. You haven't lived until you've watched 'Revenge of the Nerds' on laser disc. 6. Looking at you, I'm neither micro nor soft. 5. Do you come here often? I don't, because I'm busy making billions of dollars. 4. How would you like to be my human laptop? 3. So, who do I make the check out to? 2. I beat Michael Jackson for the title of world's richest virgin. 1. I control

Bumper Stickers seen in Washington, D.C. recently!!! HONK! If you had sex with the President Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency Adultery is not a family value Does character matter YET? One More Whore And We Got Gore Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat My President Fooled Around With Your Honor Student Jail to the Chief Today Kids no longer play doctor, they play President The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your DAUGHTER Save the President: Legalize Prejury Three terms for Clinton: the tird in jail Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father.

The LAPD, The FBI, and CIA... The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

It was the finals in a poetry contest. The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that wouldbe given to them by the judges. The word was "TIMBUKTU". The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels two by two, Destination Timbuktu. The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate. Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem: Me and Tim a hunting went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down.

Typical macho man married typical good- looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night-whether you're here or not."

Sign Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker: -Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill. -Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running. -When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex. -Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. -Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work. -Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net." -Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. -Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. -Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President." -You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor"I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKES 1970: Killer weed 2000: Weedkiller 1970: Hoping for a BMW 2000: Hoping for a BM 1970: The Grateful Dead 2000: Dr. Kevorkian 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint 2000: Receiving a new hip joint 1970: Rolling Stones 2000: Kidney Stones 1970: Being called into the principal's office 2000: Calling the principal's office 1970: Screw the system 2000: Upgrade the system 1970: Peace sign 2000: Mercedes logo 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1970: Taking acid 2000: Taking antacid 1970: Passing the drivers test 2000: Passing the vision test 1970: Whatever 2000: Depends

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for. "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?" "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah, but you started it."

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered. "On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good." "But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes" the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."