New Jokes

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

You know you are an Arab when (part II): 1. You always curse at Arabs when you are back home, but when you live abroad you only make Arab friends 2. When you come back from University you still have to live with your parents, and fight over curfew allover again, as if you never left them before 3. Your relatives alone could populate a small city 4. Everyone is a family friend 5. You fight over who pays the dinner bill 6. You teach Westerners to swear words in your language 7. When you go on a date you start thinking of lousy places where nobody would go to so you wont bump into family or friends 8. You end up in a lousy place and still bump into the relative with the biggest mouth 9.You think you are liberated when you can't even smoke in public 10. If you are 25 and not married yet, your parents make you feel that you are getting too old 11. Getting married becomes the only way you can escape your parents 12. You tell your friends how to rebel against their parents when you can't even stay out past midnight 13. You always say "Open the light" instead of "Turn the light on" or "get down from the car" instead of "get out of the car"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky

10 Reasons Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex 1. It's legal to play hockey professionally. 2. The puck is always hard. 3. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it. 4. It lasts a full hour. 5. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds. 6. Your parents cheer when you score. 7. Periods only last 20 minutes. 8. You can count on it at least twice a week. 9. You can tell your friends about it afterwards. 10. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

A single mother and her little girl were out and about, doing those family errands one must constantly do, when the girl out of the blue, asked her mother, 'Mommy, How old are you?' The mother responded, 'Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older. The girl then asked, 'Mommy, how much do you weigh?' Her mother responded again, 'That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up.' The little girl, still in her inquisitive child mood, fires off another question: 'Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, 'Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.' The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, 'All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.' Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, 'Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are! I know how old you are! You're 32 years old!' The mother is moderately shocked, and asks, 'Sweetheart, how do you know that?' The little girl shrugs and says, 'I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds!' 'Where did you learn that?' The little girl says, 'I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex.'

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Cop: Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Amish lady: Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. Cop: That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loop across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Jacob: Well, dear, what exactly did he say? Amish lady: He said the reflector is broken. Jacob: I can fix that in two minutes. What else? Amish lady: I'm not sure, Jacob....something about the emergency brake...

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him? she asks. "No I didn't -- it's three in the morning" "Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?" "Yes", comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband "Over here on the swing" the man replies.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?" Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

A young woman said to her doctor 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.' The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin