New Jokes

IS A COMPUTER MALE OR FEMALE? A Spanish language instructor was explaining to her class that in Spanish, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in Spanish, is feminine - "la casa." "Pencil," in Spanish, is masculine - "el lapiz." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her Spanish dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the Feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrireview; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computer"), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won!

You know you are an Arab when (part III): 1. You pronounce your p's as b's (bebsi and bolice) 2. You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you a story of how he had to walk miles just to get to school 3. Your parents were ranked first in school 4. Your dad swears at you with words that affect himself (Ibnil kalb) 5. You tell everyone that you are a "successful businessman back home" when you are really just an unemployed goat herder 6. You feel uncomfortable saying the word 'tease' in english 7. You smoke as if there's no tomorrow and you only smoke MARLBORO REDS 8. You only walk on the streets in groups of seven or more people and talk really really loud in Arabic together 9. You wear a black leather jacket, even when it is 100 degrees outside 10. you think its cool to dance and smoke at the same time 11. If you are an Arab girl you give the look of death to another Arab girl who looks better than you 12. Your aunt is always asking when she can dance at your wedding

14 Ways To Cope With Stress - Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out. - Write a short story using alphabet soup. - Polish your car with earwax. - Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. - Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. - Braid the hairs in each nostril. - Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. - Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. - Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. - Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper. - Do your assignments in binary code. - Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. - Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help. - Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.

You know you are an Arab when (part I): 1. You make Turkish coffee before leaving home, when getting to the office,after lunch, when having guests, before the guests leave,after the guests leave and before going to bed 2. When shops have sale they call your mom. 3. You still have, stored in suitcases, clothes that you used to wear when you were five. 4. You call an older person you've never met before "Ammo" or "Khaltu" 5. You hide everything from your parents, but they still think they know everything about you, and make you believe that they actually do 6. People are never happy with what you've achieved-if you graduated from school they'll tell you "Oqbal el Shahadeh el kbeereh", and when u get that "Oqbal el Aroos or Areees", and when you get that "Oqbal ma nefrah be Aoulad-kum", and when you get that "Oqbal ma tefrahu bi shahadit-hum", etc... 7. If you are a boy you start worrying about the Mukhabarat when you reach puberty 8. Getting a visa to Europe or the States is like getting a baby,everybody tells you "mabrook" 9.You learn how to beg the personnel at the airport to allow the excess baggage you've got as soon as your father stops doing that for you 10. Your dream is holding a different passport 11. When you FLY BACK home you find 20 people waiting for you at the airport 12. Everytime you fly back home you meet relatives you never knew existed, and they look nothing like your family 13. You look for universities as far away from home as possible

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Freddie WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? * Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille * No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

Derrick How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids

Martin What do most people do on a date? * Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette * On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Howard WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? * When they're rich. Pam * The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt * The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.