New Jokes

Sister Marlena entered the Monastery of Silence and the Abbot said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so..." Sister Marlena lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbot said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed" . "I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said, "We will get you a better bed..." After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called by the Abbot..."You may say another two words, Sister Marlena. "Cold food," said Sister Marlena and the Abbot assured her that the food would be better in the future.... On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbot again called Sister Marlena into his office, "Two words you may say today." "I quit", said Sister Marlena. "It is probably best," said the Abbot, "You've done nothing but bitch since you've been here.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER TH 10- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9-If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7- You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6- It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5- Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2- Less guilt the morning after. 1- YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

An old hearing-impaired gentleman was visiting his doctor. The doctor just informed him warned to be careful, as he had a heart murmur. The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?!" he inquired. "Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied. "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful!"

A bum asked a man on the street for two dollars. "Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No". "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No". "Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf" Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"

From AirCrew(1) On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly. 2nd Child: Why are you crying? 1st Child: I came here for blood test. 2nd Child: So? Are you afraid? 1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger. At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished. 1st Child: Why are you crying now? 2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!

From Aircrew (3) "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

Anita IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Abu El Abed (AA) wanted to take a brief flight to Jordan but did not want to pay the airfare for his pet Monkey. So, AA decided to dress up as a Bedouin (Badawy) by wearing a 3abay to conceal his pet monkey under this outfit. AA made it on the airplane without the security noticing the monkey. While he was sitting, the monkey began to get agitated and started to make all kinds of noises, jumping under AA's clothes and making a bulge in his pants. A Jordanian airline stewardess came up to AA and asked... Stewardess: Eh, Shou hayda ya zalameh? (what is that?) AA: Hayda booboo (it's a baby) Stewardess: Im bayyen 3aley inno biddo yirda3, jeeblo massassa? (looks like he wants to nurse, should I get him a pacifier?) AA: la, mat 3azbih h7alek, sarlo sei3a bimos (no, there's no need to, he's been sucking for over an hour )

DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew every thing there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere. Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this person exhibited. They tried many times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he wasn't there, without success. One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died. This upset everyone tremendously. However, now that he was gone, the other members of the firm could finally see what was in the drawer. After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and cautiously peeked inside. They found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was: "DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"