New Jokes

A lebanese man parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office building, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lebanese immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lebanese started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lebanese finally calm down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lebanese people are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." How can you say such a thing? asked the lebanese. The policeman replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." Oh My God!" screamed the lebanese. "Where's my Rolex watch?"

Men's Rules for the Fairer Sex: Part 2 of 3 10. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently. 11. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 12. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 15. Check your oil! Please. 16. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 17. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Betty, the town gossip and self- appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon. Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

Sales Crap An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS DEMAND WARS IN EASIER-TO-FIND COUNTRIES "How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?" They Ask Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country. "People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts." "Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan. "See?" said Beldoni. Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad. "I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped." Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat. "OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat." "Jagged...?" said Levin. "Alliance. It's a computer game." "Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country." "Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real." The students' testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America's young people by curtailing any intervention abroad. "Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don't know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio," said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. "I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it." "I've always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.)," said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. "Oh shit, is my microphone on?" The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.

The government announced today that it is replacing the cedar in the country's flag with a ... CONDOM: A condom stands inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security. .. . . . . while it's actually screwing you! It clearly reflects the new political strategies of the government.

First day of school It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France, I was just too embarrassed to say so."

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" the man asks. "10.." says the doctor. "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately. "10... 9... 8... 7..."