New Jokes

If you're a bear , you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat like crazy. I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yep..... I wanna be a bear.

Heaven and Hell Heaven is when you have: An American salary A British home Chinese food A German car A Lebanese wife. Hell is when you have: An American car A British wife Chinese home A German food A Lebanese salary

A bartender asks a guy sitting at the A bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar: "What'll you have?" "A scotch, please," the guy replies. The bartender gives him the drink and says: "That's five dollars." "What are you talking about?" the man replies. "I don't owe you anything for this." The fellow sitting next to him at the bar is a lawyer, who decides to get into the discussion. "You know," he tells the bartender: "he's got you there. In the original offer, constituting a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of payment." The irritated bartender says to the first guy: "Fine. You beat me for a drink. But I don't ever want to see you in here again." The following day, the very same guy comes back into the bar. The bartender says: "What the heck are you doing in here? I told you not to come back!" The guy replies: "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place before in my life!" The bartender looks confused and says "I'm so sorry then, but this is really weird. You must have a double." The man immediately replies, "Why thank you very much! Make it a scotch."

See how your logic is in figuring this out: This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the shopping center and ran to the toy shop and he asked the manager: "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied: "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" the dad asked. "'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture," replied the shop manager.

DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." One of the men shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Men's Rules for the Fairer Sex: 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are special days, but not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 3. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and golf shots. 5. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 6. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. It will never make an Olympic event (although we could be wrong on that, the way they instituted women's hockey & wrestling) 7. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 8. Crying is blackmail. 9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

Tommy had reached school age His Mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on. On the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school. Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school. "What, again?" he asked.

Local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!" The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. * No taxes. * No debt. * Plenty buffalo * Plenty beaver * Women did the work * Medicine man free * Indian men hunted and fished all the time..." The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."