New Jokes

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which part of the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which part of the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) you have a dirty mind, (2) you didn't read your homework, and (3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Employee: Your daughter ! Do you like me ? Well, as boys go your OK, and the further you go the better ! My brother fell in love with his wife the second time he met her. He didn't know how rich she was the first time ! Could you be happy with a boy like me ? Maybe, If you weren't around too often ! She's such a nice bird. She must be if she goes out with a worm like you ! The computer dating agency picked me out as an ideal boyfriend ? But who wants to go out with a computer ! I've come to ask for your daughters hand in marriage. Well you'll have to take the rest of her too or the deals off ! Did he really marry her because of her grandfathers fortune ? He denies it. He says he would have married her no matter who had left her a fortune ! I got a lovely kitten for my girlfriend. I wish I could make a trade like that ! What do cannibals do at a wedding ? Toast the bride and groom ! Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring. Of course. What's your phone number ? Boss: Why do you want time off next week ? Employee: To get married Boss: What stupid woman would marry you ?

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says. Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of that motherf#cker!"

Typical Lebanese One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. A Lebanese guy goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Lebanese guy of course is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, he finds a dozen Lebs waiting for a haircut.

Oh Baby! I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!" When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination." His friend replied, "Well...Why don't you celebrate April first?"

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things, THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

More than meets the eye... The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"

Life with men Life with men is like a deck of cards...... You need a Heart to love them; a Diamond to marry them; a Club to beat them; and a Spade to bury the bodies.