New Jokes

Oscar Night at Beirut Arab Summit! Ladies and Gentlemen...and the nominees of Beirut 2002 are: BEST ACTOR--LEADING: Saudia =>Abdullah bin Abdelaziz (Wedding Planner) BEST ACTOR -- SUPPORTING: Palestine => Yaser Arafat (Home Alone) BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: Iraq =>Saddam Hussein (Resident Evil) BEST ART DIRECTION: Algeria => Abdelaziz Bouteflika (Monsters INC.) BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Qatar =>Hamad Al Thani (Domestic Disturbance) BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Sudan =>Omar el Bashir (Mohammed Ali) BEST DIRECTING: Arab League =>Amer Mousa (A beautiful Mind) BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Yemen => Ali Abdullah Saleh (Planet of the Apes) BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Bahrain=> Hamad Bin Isa Al-Khalifa (Dr. Dolittle 2) BEST FILM EDITING: Tunisia =>Zein al Abedeen bin Ali (The Spy Game) BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Jordan =>Abdullah bin Talal (Harry Potter) BEST MAKEUP: Emirates => Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan (Dead Man Walking) BEST MUSIC (SCORE): Syria =>Bashar al Assad (Conspiracy Theory) BEST MUSIC (SONG): Mauritania => Maaouya Ould Sid'Ahmed Taya (Out of Africa) BEST PICTURE: Morocco => Mohammed the 6th (My best friends Wedding) BEST SHORT FILM -- ANIMATED: Kuwait =>Jaber el Sabah (America's Sweethearts) BEST SHORT FILM -- LIVE ACTION: Somalia => Salat Hassan (Black Hawk dawn) BEST SOUND: Oman =>Qabus bin Said (Lord of the Rings) BEST SOUND EFFECTS: Libya => Moamer el Qaddafi (E.T.) BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: Lebanon =>Emil Lahud (Moulin Rouge) BEST WRITING (ORIGINAL): Egypt =>Husni Mubarak (the mummy) BEST WRITING (ADAPTED): Egypt =>Husni Mubarak (the mummy returns!)

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!! Well I'm a man but this sight scared me so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned me in a sensitive spot, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!! LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE 10 - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC. 9 - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC 8 - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 7 - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877 6 - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 5 - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937 4 - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938 3 - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 2 - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" - JFK,1963 The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word................. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1997

THE HENPECKED HUSBAND You Know You're a Mother When... You use your own saliva to clean your child's face. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. Your kid throws up and you catch it. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend. You hate the thought of his wife even more. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!" You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

THE HENPECKED HUSBAND A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong. And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called?" Eve asked. "Brains" God said.

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" "Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

Two Blondes waiting at the pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die? The first blonde asked the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping". "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity-if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy. The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."