New Jokes

There were three guys that were about to be executed for a crime that they had committed. So, they bring the first guy out and just as they are about to shoot the guy yells, "Look, its a tornado!" As the guards are running for cover the first guy gets away. Five minutes later, they realize that there is no tornado. Then they bring out the second guy, and as they are about to shoot him he yells, "Oh no! Earthquake!!" As the guards run for cover the second guy gets away. Three minutes later they realize that there is no earthquake. Finally, they bring out the third guy and the guards yell, "Ready, Aim,-", but before they could finish, the third guy yells, "Fire!"

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he cried. "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to her date. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." (MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS)

Ain't this the truth A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada employee. "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter what, wherever I go beautiful women will want and need me." POOF*** He is turned into a tampon! The moral of the story? Remember if Revenue Canada offers you anything ... there's going to be a string attached!

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention", however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary. (Part 1 of 2) **Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty? **Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough. **Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them. **Juicers: Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be. **Colored Contact Lenses: Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'." The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great! (Part 1 of 2) 1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together