New Jokes

If Companies Ran Christmas If IBM ran Christmas... They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time. If Microsoft ran Christmas... Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks. If Apple ran Christmas... It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course). If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas... Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree. If Dell ran Christmas... Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?? If Fisher Price ran Christmas... "Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree. If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas... The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them. If the NSA ran Christmas... Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security. If DEC ran Christmas... We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we? If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas... They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games. If Sony ran Christmas... Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt. If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges. If Cray ran Christmas... The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year. If Thinking Machines ran Christmas... You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time. If Timex ran Christmas... The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping. If Radio Shack ran Christmas... The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree. If K-Tel ran Christmas... Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives. If University of Waterloo ran Christmas... They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

Q: What is the new 75.9 sex position? A: It is the 69 position + 10% VAT!

Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you urinated in the pool." "Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that." "True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

A single friend of mine probably won't make a great mother. She was visiting with a friend and her friend's baby when the friend had to use the restroom. Being left to watch the infant for a bit, the single friend asked, "What'll I do if he cries?" "Feed him some vegetables," the mother called back. It turns out that jalapeno isn't the baby's favorite.

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!'' ''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.'' ''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

In a small town in England ,there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear. A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!" And poof, she disappeared. Next came a very ugly redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England." Poof! She disappeared! Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..." Poof! She disappeared.

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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Good morning! Here's your smile of the day. A hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi , so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle." The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls." The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."