New Jokes

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir... Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge! Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread. Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle. Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about. Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup! Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading. Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them. Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! What do you expect for $1 - a live one? Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It's fly soup sir! Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup. Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

A Priest and a Nun... A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay,I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think theLord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse called."

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens. Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune. But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!" Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!" Then the fun began...

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consult You're right; we're billing way too much for this. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value added". How about paying us based on the success of the project? This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people. Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

Two freshman philosophy students see the following Crash Course in Logical Assumptions Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside. Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?" Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?" Student: "Uh...Yes, I do." Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive." Student: "Yes, I drive. " Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends." Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates." Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners." Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend." Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual." Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time." Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?" "Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?" "No." "Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"

Giving very odd excuses The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."