New Jokes

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

Hotel Taliban Dear Sir/Madam , You have been selected as the lucky winner for FREE 3 Days and 2 Nights stay at Hotel Camp, Taliban, Afghanistan. Free Lively Entertainment :- 1. Fire Works and Air Show by U.S. Air Force . 2. Get Physical - Exciting Games - Hide and Seek, Smoke me Out - hosted by Osama Bin Laden . 3. Incredible free gifts: one AK47 and 1kg RDX . 4. Travel on a hijacked plane guaranteed . 5. Of course games with knifes ON BOARD THE PLANE are allowed . 6. If lucky , you may see how great fun it is being a suicide squad when we bring down some big tower . Once in a Life Time opportunity - once you come here.. we guarantee you will never leave... For Confirmation and Reservation of front seats contact Pakistan...since SIMI is banned , local reservation inconvenience is regretted . Wishing you an unsafe journey and an fatal stay.. Regards, TALIBAN

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." They paused then started to laugh.

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"

Oh Baby! I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!" When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, You're it 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10. Musical recliners.

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What! I'm not going to do that!"

"THE RIGHT DAY FOR SEX" A recent study found out which days men prefer to have Sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T"..... An example of those days are: Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday Thunday

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband doesn't like the way the food has been prepared. He gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed, either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late, doing what"? "Getting a second opinion," she says.