New Jokes

A Lebanese was sitting with a Syrian and a Philipino in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of whisky, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were sentenced jail term with each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their lashes punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my 4th wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each one of you, one wish before your whipping." So the Philipino guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Syrian guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 12 lashes before the whip went through again. Before the Lebanese fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "just because of Saudi relations with Rafik Hariri you can have 2 wishes instead of one" "Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Lebanese replied. "My first wish is: "I would like to have 40 lashes instead of 20." "If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Syrian to my back", the Lebanese answered.

How to please women A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

PICK UP LINES! (1) I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me? (2) Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee when I fell for you. (3) I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out. (4) Your tag says Made in USA, but I could have sworn you were made in Heaven. (5) Hey lady, those are some nice clothes, can I talk you out of them? (6) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? (7) Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby your da bomb! (8) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. (9) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. (10) Want to play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while You blow the hell out of me. (11) If you were a burger at McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful. (12) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you again?

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, You're it. 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners.

Please describe him A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severely bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

SINFUL SISTERS Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box." The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week." The third just sits there quietly. So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours." The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

Happy New Year! It was the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber. I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- I said to myself, as only I can "You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!" So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick. I'll chew only on long celery sticks. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

SMOKING CONDOMS Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: "What's that?" Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." Lady 1: "Where did you get it?" Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."