01/a

English Jokes

Say what jokes

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes" he replies. "Well where is the dog?" asks the cashier. "My dog is at home" replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy", says the cashier. So with that the man leaves the dog food and leaves the store.

Next day the man goes back to the same store, grabs what he needs and goes to the same cashier. He places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do", replies the man. "Well where is your cat sir?" asks the cashier. "My cat is at home" says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food" says the cashier. So with that the man leaves the store empty handed again.

The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." So the cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm" she says. "Yes, that is right" says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover, so going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did." "You got in an argument with your boss." "Well piss on him!!!" said the man. "You did. He fired you." said the wife. "Well screw him!!!" said the guy. "I did ." said his wife. "You're back to work Monday."

You're so fat, the last time you've seen 90210 it was on the scale.

You're so fat, that when you go to the zoo, the elephants throw you peanuts.

You're so ugly your mom had to be drunk to breastfeed you!

Your mama's so stupid she thought a walk-in closet came with legs.

Your mama is so fat, when she got on a scale it said to be continued.

Your mama is so stupid that when someone said go call 911 she asked, 'what's the number?'

Your mama is so stupid she sits on the T.V and watches the sofa.