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English Jokes

Doctor

Stomach Problems
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

Checkup
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."

Doctors and Fat Guys
An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor's office and claims that he's tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won't starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he's sure to lose weight in the process. Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he's down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he's feeling, noticing that he's bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically. "I'm feeling great, doc; never felt better" is the reply. "In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?" asked the doctor. "Just chewing some gum!"

Old Lady
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years." The old lady says "Well tell me about them." The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for." She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one." He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years." The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one." The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw." The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!" The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."

Smelling and Hearing
An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week. The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!" The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage, now we'll have to work on your hearing."

Sex Life
There was this woman who went to the doctors cause she was complaining that sex with her husband wasn't up to par. So the doctor recommended some sex pills and told her to give him one, have sex that night and come back to him with the results. The next morning she went back to the doctor's and said "Well, the sex was much better but to tell you the truth it could be alot better." So the doctor said, "Give him him three tonight and come back to me with the results" So she did that and the next morning she told him about her experience but said the same thing. "The sex can really be better, Doctor." So the Doctor said "What the hell, give your husband the whole bottle." The next morning a little boy came into the doctor's office and the doctor asked if he could help him. "I'm the son of the lady you gave those pills to." "Oh, yes. How did they work?" asked the doctor. "Well, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's laying on the couch saying 'Here Kitty, Kitty.'"

Yuck!!
There was an old woman. She went into a store and asked the clerk in a shaky voice, "do you know what a dildo is?" The clerk said, "yes". In a shaky voice she asked, "do you sell them?" "Why yes" the clerk answered. In a shakier voice she asked, "do you know how to use them?" "I guess so" said the clerk. The old woman, trembling asked, "do you know how to turn them off?"

The Change
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"

The Change
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"

My Pen!
A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen."