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English Jokes

Blond Jokes

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle of Kansas where there was nothing around for miles but wheatfields. One blonde says, 'Look over there!' There was another blonde wearing scuba gear and acting like she was swimming through the wheat. The other blonde says, 'Look over there!' where there was still another blonde in a boat. The blonde driving said, 'It's people like that that give us blondes a bad name.' The other blonde said, 'Yeah! And if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and beat the crap out of them!'

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled: 'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.' The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left. He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man. The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly. "It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!' Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.' The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'. So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'. The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'

One day, a group of blondes and a group of brunettes went ice fishing on either sides of the lake. They all got settled and started fishing. The brunettes were pulling out the fish like crazy, while the blondes didn't even get a bite! The blondes spent 2 hours trying to figure out what to do. Then they got it. They sent a 'spy' over to the other side to see what the brunettes were doing differently. So she went over there and started thinking and watching. She sat there for an hour. Then, she yelled 'I GOT IT!!' and ran back. When she got back, all the other blondes asked what the brunettes were doing differently. She said - 'They cut a hole in the ice!!'

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? You open it and throw it back.

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You always hear about them, but never see one.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? Maybe someday, we'll find bigfoot.

Why don't blondes ever eat pickles? Because they can't ever get their heads out the jar!

A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."